How My Sister’s Battle with Addiction Taught Me to Give Up the Need for Control
“Alex, you need to start living on life’s terms, not yours.”
Life-changing words of wisdom hit you when you least expect it. For me, this happened when I was casually talking to my sister over the phone last week.
I was stressing about how I was uncertain if I would get into graduate school and be able to move out of Oklahoma — two huge goals of mine this year — in such a short time frame. As I continued to spiral into a panic, over-explaining the complexity of every little step I was planning to take, she said “Alex, you need to start living on life’s terms, not yours.”
I paused in a moment of spiritual catharsis because it hit me that I was trying to glue together a house of cards that would never stick.
In reality, I can only go through the motions of life and give it my all. No amount of desire to control or anxiety can change the outcome. And for someone who loves control, this is hard to accept.
These words of wisdom hold greater meaning given my sister’s background. At the end of last year, she had to pause her college career and move to a sober living home to battle her addiction head-on.
This change for her was and still is scary because it requires surrendering her old ways for a new lifestyle that will help her survive as a recovering addict, literally. So, if anyone knows what it means to live on life’s terms, it’s her.
As I’ve been slowly implementing this simple yet powerful principle in my life, it becomes even more apparent that trying to live an over-controlled life is futile.
Whatever mountain you’re climbing, you’re going to need to accept that resistance — or better put, anxiety and the need to control/worry — will not help in any situation.
With that said, I want to lay out a few ways that I actively practice living on life’s terms.
1. Determine if worrying actually helps accomplish your goal.
“Paralysis by analysis,” as my therapist says when I repeatedly bring up the same issue I have with a goal or piece of work that I’m trying to complete.
Nothing is more paralyzing than worrying about future tasks, so the best way to pull yourself out of that negative thought loop is to just do it (Nike’s marketing team didn’t just make up that motto out of thin air).
In terms of my own life, I have to catch myself when I worry too much about applying to jobs and getting admitted to graduate school.
Is my application strong enough for me to get accepted to this program? Will my degree actually put me in a better financial situation than where I am right now? Do I have the ability to make good grades in graduate school?
These are all questions that float around in my mind, but I have to refrain from picking that low-hanging fruit because thinking about those questions doesn’t actually help accomplish my goals.
Even in the workplace, anxiety impacts many Americans. According to a survey done by the Anxiety and Depression Association of America, anxiety and worry negatively impacted roughly half of the respondents’ workplace performance.
This means, in layman’s terms “bitch, if you want to be successful in life, then you’re going to need to chill the fuck out.”
2. Develop a sense of spirituality.
Another tidbit of timeless wisdom that my sister shared was that having a spiritual practice is crucial to living on life’s terms.
In Alcoholics Anonymous, it’s highly encouraged to live in accordance with a higher power in order to better handle the struggles of living a sober life.
This is something new for me as an Agnostic, but believing in some form of a higher power, having a spiritual practice, or just even meditating can really connect you with life’s terms.
The Big Book, written by Bill Wilson, the founder of A.A., explains how surrendering to a higher power pans out in life. In Wilson’s case, he was a devout Christian who used the idea of God/Jesus to describe life’s terms.
“We ask Him to remove our fear and direct our attention to what He would have us be,” Wilson wrote. “At once, we commence to outgrow fear.”
Wilson is saying that believing in God is how he’s able not to worry and rather focus on going through the motions and reach his highest potential.
With any type of spiritual practice, the worries you have will progressively shrink. You’ll soon figure out that live a good and fulfilled life doesn’t require more stress.
3. Enjoy what you have right now.
Living on life’s terms also means that you should appreciate what you have right now.
It’s easy to revert to the-grass-is-greener-on-the-other-side type of thinking when life isn’t panning out the way you want, but slowing down and smelling the roses can change this.
In my own life, I have the option of either letting my worries take over or look at the glass half-full by recognizing the good in my life.
I have a roof over my head, I’m at least able to apply to graduate school in the first place, and I have a strong and support system. Those are just a few things on my list of gratitude, but it goes to show how showing thanks can change your perspective on life in the blink of an eye.
Gratitude literally has a list-worth of psychological and physical benefits, so don’t be too quick to write this one off.
Even Pixar taught the importance of gratitude to children in its latest movie Soul.
Spoiler alert: the main character, Joe Gardner, is a music teacher who wants to be a professional musician, gets the chance to play for his dream band, and is dumbfounded when he feels empty after reaching his dreams.
The leader of the band tells Gardner after the gig something on the lines of “you’re a fish in the ocean who is swimming around asking other fish where the ocean is,” meaning that what you’re looking for, fulfillment, is right in front of you.
We need goals to have some sense of satisfaction and competency in life, but letting one part control our entire view of ourselves is crippling.
Living on life’s terms is recognizing that your life currently has so much richness to it and that the struggles you face right now are a drop in the bucket compared to the entirety of your existence.
By living on life’s terms, you learn that letting go of worry is the key to seeing the beauty in your own life right now.
